I am celebrating a very special anniversary this month. This is my 25th hurricane season in South Florida.

2003 is supposed to be what they call an "active" hurricane season. The "they" is extinguished Colorado State University professor, Dr. William Gray. Using tarot cards, a magic 8-ball, and a dartboard he predicts a number of storms. Then, urged on by the Hurricane Shutter Industry, he and the Weather Channel compel us to properly prepare in case the perfect storm arrives, and blows George Clooney's boat into your Jacuzzi.

As a seasoned, silver anniversary hurricane veteran, I decided to interview myself on the 2003 season.

ME: Greg, please define "active". Does it mean a long list of named storms?

GREG: As in many other life situations, length is not a reliable yardstick. If a long list of names defines "active", then I must have an active love life, as there are many names on my list of possible dates. Too many. In July, I had contact with none of them so it sure seemed highly inactive. Catch my drift?

ME: No, I don’t. What was your first hurricane experience?

GREG: When I arrived in Broward County as a legal alien in 1979, I was naïve on the subject of hurricanes. I thought SoFla had several every year.

ME: I hate people who actually say "SoFla".

GREG: So do I. Sorry. Anyway, I only had to wait until Labor Day weekend to experience my first.

ME: What were you doing in those days?

GREG: I was a radio sapling, just getting started as a morning show jock with LOVE 94. A week before Labor Day, I stopped at a convenience store before work one morning and saw the Miami Herald. On page one, there was a photo under the headline "Monster Storm Menaces Caribbean". The storm was David. In the satellite photo, he was huge- and appeared headed directly for us.

ME: What happened next?

GREG: On Friday of Labor Day weekend, hurricane watches went up, and by Saturday we were under a warning.

ME: Please explain the difference between a watch and a warning?

GREG: A hurricane WATCH means a hurricane is expected somewhere within 1000 miles of your house anytime before Thanksgiving. A WARNING means they've narrowed that certainty down to 1000 miles within a 24 to 144 hour time frame.

ME: You have something on your face right next to your lip-

GREG: Did I get it?

ME: A little more to the left- there! You got it. Now, did you prepare for David?

GREG: Yes- like an experienced veteran. I went to the grocery store and survived several fist fights for the last roll of duct tape. I picked up bleach and half dozen 24-packs of beer.

ME: Why is bleach necessary?

GREG: I don’t know, but they make us buy it every year.

ME: And fights over duct tape?

GREG: Yes. In those days, the only home protection technique was to make a large "X" with the duct tape in every window. I did this, then sat down to relax with the annual Jerry Lewis Labor Day telethon.

ME: Who was on the '79 telethon?

GREG: Topo Gigio was entertaining viewers as nightfall came and David drew closer. I had my Hottie with me- a must for any severe weather situation.

ME: Why does one need a Hottie?

GREG: It’s a guy thing. I told her death was almost certain and that “we should go out with a smile". It almost worked, but then Jerry Lewis really scared us.

ME: What role did he play in the drama of Hurricane David?

GREG: Sometime around our 7^th beer, Hottie and I were snuggled under a thick comforter (great protection from glass driven by falling beer glasses) unhindered by clothing. Lewis had a maudlin attack, and announced that Miami was about to be wiped off the face of the earth by a category eleventeen hurricane. Jerry implored us to donate before our credit cards were floating in the Gulf of Mexico.

ME: He was that upset?

GREG: I swear- ask anyone who remembers. Hottie and I interrupted a sensational kiss when we heard Lewis crying and looked at the TV. He had tears streaming down every cheek as he led the audience in prayer for us- a direct violation of the Constitutional amendment separating church and telethon.

ME: Please continue!

GREG: Soon, Jerry had Frank and Nancy Sinatra, plus Sammy Davis Jr, weeping and praying for us.

ME: What was happening outside?

GREG: It was a little breezy and shpritzy. I was checking every 15 minutes or so. Hottie was in a comatose sleep by 11PM and wanted none of the actual hurricane excitement. For me, there was nothing worth putting my clothes back on to go outside and experience. I decided to wait up for David’s full fury but dozed off next to Hottie.

ME: David didn’t wake you up?

GREG: No. Like so many false alarm hurricanes, David stutter-stepped up the coastline and eventually came ashore north of Jupiter. He was so lame by then, the only dramatic footage on TV later that day was a traffic signal waving back and forth in the wind. Not even Rick Sanchez could make that exciting.

ME: What became of this Hottie person?

GREG: She thought I would never make it in radio, so she dumped me for a guy who installed patio screens and knew karate.

ME: And you?

GREG: I became a noted columnist for Parkland Life magazine. I love working with Mindi Rudan. She's quite the tempest herself, you know.

ME: Speaking of Mindi, she hates it when you wander off the point and over 900 words. Finish already!

GREG: Well, having slept through David,. I thought there might have been some damage, so I rushed to my balcony. Before I realized this wimpy storm failed to so much yank a leaf from a tree, an older woman in the condo across from mine screamed, "Pervert! Put some clothes on!".

ME: Did you?

MINDI RUDAN: Will you two knock it off, already! It's deadline! By the way, Greg- did you?