It remains a treasured moment, and one I re-experience anytime I walk into a ballpark- that breathtaking explosion of green first viewed at entrance to the seats. There’s just nothing else like it. At Wrigley, it was the optimal optic oxymoron- all that green nestled in a colorless, decaying neighborhood.

  It send a Chris Matthews-esque shiver down my leg every time.

 I never paid much attention to the beautifully manicured lawns of my previous homes because someone else did that work. With a daughter upgrading to sophomore dorm status this year- and not wanting her in something resembling a halfway-house- cutbacks were required.

   I became my own lawnboy.

  My front yard is rather long so my first inclination was to carve a baseball diamond into it- my personal Field of Dreams.

  My homeowners association said “Built it- and we will come!”.

  PERSONAL HISTORY WITH GRASS- Chicago (Northern) grass is like baby hair, soft and fine and thrives in the growing season otherwise known as the 4^th of July weekend.

   South Florida grass was a shock at first sight. It stands like the spikes on The Statue of Liberty’s crown and never stops growing, though it slows somewhat during the winter season- otherwise known as President’s Day weekend. In the rainy summer weather it grows so fast that the first part you mowed is ready to be cut again as you finish the last. I swear I had a neighbor who started his Lawnboy in May and didn’t shut it off until Veteran’s Day.

   My Alabama lawn is a science project. The grass, bearing a thickness midway between Chicago’s and South Florida’s, grows at a reasonable rate. It’s the rest of the stuff that is testing my sanity.

   Angry weeds have sprung up everywhere. One day, I became Sam with the Spade and ripped almost 200 (yes, 200) out by hand. This was the day I learned the value of a gardening glove because I failed to use one. I was feeling some pain in the palm of my hand around weed #199 and sure enough, I had a blister the size of a cream puff on my right palm.

  It is still healing. Gardening gloves are $5 at Publix.

  I got a very nice gas hand-me-down lawnmower from Mom and Dad complete with an attached grass catcher. I was almost done with the Inaugural Mow when it began feeling incredibly sluggish. Suddenly, the black canvas of the grass catcher split open like a hot dog, spilling its contents. I guess you have to empty the darn thing every so often, just like your liver.

  We’ve had 376.2 inches of rain this spring so everything but the grass grows at an incredible pace. Tall grass doesn’t look so bad but tall weeds garner the scorn of neighbors. Not wanting to endanger the love affair we share in my little piece of heaven, but desiring to not to mow weeds every 3 days, I found a solution- latches that allow the mowee (me) to raise and lower the blade, thus enabling a deeper cut.

 I did the natural thing and lowered the machine to the bottom rung. 

  You know how a fingernail hurts like heck when it gets cut (or bit) below the quick? Blades of grass also have a quick and by the time I finished, I had cut concentric crop circles into my lawn. Of course it stopped raining that day and 2 weeks later, my Field of Dreams had become a Field of Cud.

 Simply mowing the lawn is not enough. The Laws of Nature require that any grass adjacent to a cement sidewalk shall be “edged”. I went to the scariest place (for me) on the planet, Home Depot, and sought a device to make this task easier.

  Gas powered edgers do a beautiful job but seemed a tad pricey. I found a whole section with edgers bearing orange handles, and stupidly chose an electric model.

 My front sidewalk is 50 feet long. Do you know how many @&%$ing  extension chords it takes to edge that much sidewalk? The darn thing startled the beejeebers out of me the first time I hit the trigger, spewing small pieces of green wire while making a horrible racket. I nervously ran down the edge of the sidewalk, re-plugging the chord in every time it fell out, which was frequently.

 The lawn looked like it was edged by Mike from the Halloween movies.

  Discouraged, I threw my Tools of Ignorance into the shed and called a lawn service to fix the mess. I sold the mower, edger and chords to cover the cost. While they’re cutting, I’ll be watching the Cubs on WGN.

  Wrigley Field looks awesome in HD!