The microwave oven has been called the greatest thing since sliced bread. I heard Obama voters describe him the same way. Just between us, there have been women who have laid that description on me following moments of stupendous stupendisity.

With the Snuggie, we can now compare ourselves to the great Roman civilizations because at last we have the uniform to prove it. All around Rome are statues of historical Roman figures like Caesar and Tony Bennett and what they wearing? Oversized, flowing robes with super-sized sleeves.. For years, or at least since the movie Animal House came out in 1981, we have held Toga parties celebrating the wardrobe of those great Aquaduct builders.

Let’s face it, though. The Toga is dead and will never make a comeback. Parties and gatherings of people wearing white sheets have become quite politically incorrect.  Let the Snuggie party begin!

The American civilization has been missing only one thing to commemorate our leaders and history - a uniform- and now we have it for only 15.99 at Walgreen’s.

President Obama should have introduced this look at his acceptance speech in Denver last year when he had the library building columns erected on the perimeter of the Denver stage. He likes to look casual. What could be more casual than seeing the leader of the free world delivering an oratorical masterpiece while cloaked in something resembling a stolen Motel 6 blanket?

The Snuggie would solve so many of our social issues. Walking the aisle at Walmart in one of these enormous mittens disguises your flaws. Feeling too fat? Too flat? The Snuggie makes our shameful defects invisible. School dress code issues would vanish and I am sure they could be manufactured in school colors.

I did buy a Snuggie and it has changed my life!

The freedom one feels when Snuggified is amazing. It eliminates a problem that plagues many women (and a few guys too)- the dreaded Visible Panty Line. It matters not whether you wear underwear because no matter how you maneuver your body, not even your butt crack can be seen. It hides everything.

I wore it to work at the radio station recently and did one of my best morning shows ever! Dressing in something so loose and unrestraining actually allowed my morning humor to flow Snuggie style.

After the show, my boss did call me in to perform a studio-side sobriety test.  After blowing into his office Breathalyzer (every radio station has one because so many of us are known partiers) and after registering a Point Zero- I not only convinced him it was the perfect DJ apparel, I persuaded him to try it on.

My boss is a serious dude and an incredibly successful businessman. He dresses the part and his office has the shweng-fey of an NCIS- like command center. Once behind his desk in a Snuggie, though, he was far less intimidating and more approachable. (I strongly suggest the Snuggie people manufacture them in black and/or with pin stripes. This way, management can enjoy the Snuggie comfort while conveying an executive appearance.

The Snuggie can bring us together!  Instead of focusing attention on our differences in race, creed and culture- or what we can or can’t afford in today’s fashions-  we can celebrate our sameness in red or blue.

Oh sure,  the first time I saw the Snuggie commercial I almost wet myself looking at people wearing these Gumby-coats to football games and out in public. To be honest, I thought one good reason to buy a Snuggie would be throw it on when answering the door for someone you didn’t want to stay inside your house too long.

I know better now.

Since it is made of fleece, the Snuggie will need some special modifications for the warm Florida climate. I propose the sexy Fishnet Snuggie to allow for breezing room.

It has also made my holiday shopping so much easier! Who’da thunk I could have had Christmas taken care of by Easter? For a little over $300, I am done, baby- and can’t wait to see the expressions on the faces of friends and family when it’s time to open gifts. With a gift like a Snuggie, how can they not know how I really feel about them?

I know some of you already have one, so let’s have a contest! E-mail me a photo of yourself modeling your Snuggie and I will award a prize to the best photo. I already have the perfect prize in mind (in addition to a featured spot in this prestigious magazine column). I have come up with something worthy of your forward thinking and imagination.

It may not bear the riches of a knock on the door with the Publisher’s Clearing House Prize Patrol check.

But what person with the courage to participate in this contest wouldn’t want to answer their door wearing their Snuggie- to be greeted by me- handing them a giant jay of Mighty Putty!

Void where prohibited by law.