After duct-taping the desk leg at the knee, I began the assembly process. As a male, I obliged my DNA by setting the Tolstoy-sized instruction manual aside to figure things out my way.

 A month later, with numerous plastic bags scattered about, colorful chords draped over furniture arm rests, and enough packing popcorn to stock a Styrofoam Cineplex, I called my friend Bruce to help me finish the job. He actually knew about these things.

 Within several hours, I was playing Solitaire. Lots of Solitaire. Entire afternoons and weekends would come and go during some of these marathons. When I figured out how to change the design of the playing cards, I felt like I’d channeled the genius of Robert Oppenheimer.

  Eventually I learned how to use my HP to write, and began making money free-lancing commercial copy and other presentations. Within a year or 2, I recouped the 4,322 dollar cost of the machine.

  From 1994 to 99, I’d seen and heard about the World Wide Web and “on-line” but had no idea what any of it meant.  Heartbreak taught me how to e-mail.

  Do you remember your first e-mail? I had taken a radio job in the extinguished Anderson-Muncie market near Indianapolis. This fulfilled my life long ambition to broadcast to livestock and gulp deep breaths of alfalfa spores- an experience every radio jock lusts for.

  Problem was, I’d left a woman behind. We’ll identify her only as “Peas”. (Women can be classified under three nickname categories- Animals (“Bunny”, “Bear”; Tasty Stuff “Honey”, “Sugar” and Vegetables “Sweet Pea”, Squash-face”).

Suddenly, Peas and I are 1000 miles apart. We’re on the phone one night and she talked me through the process of going on line, and writing an e-mail. As one who likes to express his love with Obamian flourish, I loved the idea I could decompose a long letter filled with lust and insecurity and have her receive it seconds later.

  On February 28, 1999, I sent my first e-mail. It still amazes me (e-mail, and the fact that I remember the date I sent my first).

  Shortly after, I learned what “search” meant- that you could write a couple words on any subject into that browser thing and it would come up with web sites featuring the subject you entered. That was March 29, 2000, but you’ll never know what I typed in (blushing).

   Now it is 10 years hence and I am on laptop #3. It makes asthma-like noises but its powers remain beyond my comprehension. That I can write this column, store it, and send it without using wires or even an electrical outlet is mind boggling- especially for a guy who began his writing career on a Tom Thumb typewriter (Christmas Day, 1960).

  All this technology has led to my new full time job- Facebook.

  Oh, I still do 2 radio shows every day. How amazing that computers allow people to tune in to me all over the world. In fact, my on-line audience in South Florida is bigger than some of the shows actually being broadcast there. 

  I don’t remember how I got started with Facebook because it happened too recently. Ask me at the nursing home in 30 years. All I know, it has become to me today, what Solitaire was 15 years ago- addicting fun and a chance to remain friends with people without ever actually having to bother seeing them in person!

  Facebook has many functions. I’ve posted pictures from the South Florida radio career I blew up- photos that show how handsome I used to be. It allows people to stalk your every move without having to hide in your bushes or rummage your trash. I love it!

  When I first used AOL’s Instant Messenger service, my self esteem would rise and fall with the number of “buddies” on my list. The higher it got, the better I felt. Then I realized how stupid it was to be typing out everything I wanted to say when it was far more convenient to do that on another amazing piece of technology- the telephone. Today, IM is only used for communicating with my daughter (who says nothing on the phone but writes essays on IM- and my talk show producer. She is 3 feet away during the show but IM allows me to communicate with her silently while callers are talking.

  Facebook software helps you connect with people you haven’t spoken with or cared about in years! In one month, I have hooked up with every single morning radio partner I ever worked with except the women I had romantic relationships with (most of them). We’re happily needling each other once gain.

  Facebook also counts your friends. My mental health depends on a big number so if you’re an FB member, please look me up. If you’re not, check it out because it truly is fun- and more productive than Solitaire.

  I’d like 3000 friends by the end of the year so let’s get going! At press time, I am 2894 short of that goal. Several readers have already joined my list, and I love it when you rip my column to shreds publicly.

 “Peas” contact me soon!