“I have not heard you mention your dating situation lately.  I was wondering how old you are.  (being direct aren’t I) but I have a new friend that just moved here from TN and she is 48.  She is attractive, height weight proportionate and I am trying to find her a nice guy and I would bet you are one.  You must be the way you treat Hershey.  I have to tell you she is not looking, but it never hurts to have some friends to hang out with.  I hope to hear from you soon.”

   The invitation is so fresh I have yet to respond. What I found interesting is how this woman (who I don’t know personally) measured me as a candidate to date her friend- “the way I treat Hershey”.

Hershey is my chocolate devil dog. When I leave for work, the, radio in my room is tuned to my station and from time to time I do say hello to him (sometimes by listener request) in my special pet voice. C’mon, we all have one! You know, that cartoon-like character we break into when we greet our animals.

 “Mylittlemanstorinimylittlehanshumumumumfoofinfansh!”.

Ridiculous, I know, but anyone reading this who has a pet knows I am simply being honest. I am just silly enough to perform it in public, with 10,000 watts of amplification behind it.

 When I have a decent prize to give away, I occasionally have a contest, asking people to talk to me in that special voice. “Pretend I am your parakeet and am perched on your finger- then talk to me in your special voice”.

 It usually takes dinner for 2 at a nice restaurant to produce award worthy pet communication performances from the audience. Some people can reach a vocal pitch that activates car alarms. It’s always funny.

 Truthfully, I am glad my listener’s friend is “not looking”, even though when a woman says another woman is not doing something, she usually is.                               

 I ain’t looking either.  Usually when I say I am not looking that means I am looking but being cool about it, because when you’re not looking, someone worth looking at, materializes.

 This 48 year old, proportionately figured (does that mean overweight in the feminine translation?) woman may knock my socks off, but here’s the catch- she’ll have to knock Hershey’s socks off too, because for all practical purposes, he and I are a couple.

 I can’t believe I just wrote that,

 But I did, and it’s true. Whether it’s her, or someone else, I just can’t imagine anyone melding in with our routine.

  What woman in her right mind would deal with us? We’re up at 3 every morning for a walk. In the colder weather, Hershey jumps onto his heating pad afterward, which is placed on the end of my bed. I prop up with the laptop and begin preparing for my morning show, smoking cigarettes and sipping coffee.

  The TV will be on. The TV is always on.  It’s been fifteen years since I last officially (legally)  lived with someone and there are certain TV shows that are like “family”. It’s the reason I send greetings cards to the entire cast of Law and Order every holiday. TV shows make great companions because you can shut them off whenever you want, and spend time with someone else.

  The TV stays on when I leave for the morning show because Hershey has to have some company. Women don’t like the TV being on. In fact, some women won’t even allow a TV in the bedroom. They are witches!

  Oh, and before I leave, I chop up a few ounces of the grilled chicken breasts I made lovingly the night before. It’s my parting gift to Devil Dog because he looks so sad when I leave.

  Just last night I stood outside in a t-shirt and pajama bottoms grilling this week’s treats.

  And some chick is going to stand by and say, “Wow! I want to spend the rest of my life with you!”? Call me skeptical on that notion. Women will tell you they don’t mind that stuff but as soon as they get close they begin manipulating changes.

 NO! Only a lunatic female would want any part of our routine.

 Monday through Friday, we go for a walk after the show and then it is naptime. With the TV on. At 1 PM we go for another walk and at 2:30, I am chopping another few ounces of chicken breast (or sometimes steak) for the afternoon parting gift when I leave to do my talk show.

  Hershey would be going with me, but tragically, the first time I took him to work (when he was a puppy), he left a small surprise in the studio. I missed it in the post-show poop patrol and it was discovered, in petrified form a few days later by our grumpy old talk host. He raised hell and that was that for Take Your Dog To Work Day.

  Daddy comes directly home at 6:15 and it’s another walk and we relax, excepting Wednesdays. Wednesday  Hershey has his weekly play date with Zorro The Wiener Dog.  I stop for dinner with his parents- my adopted mom and dad- and sneak scraps to both. Dogs, that is.

  If anything magical develops with The Chick From Tennessee, I'll let you know. In the meantime, let me wish a memorable Valentine's Day to you.

  And everyone in the cast of Law and Order.