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Happy New Year! Have you made your resolutions yet? If you made a commitment to improve your life in some way, I wish you all the luck in the world. Sometimes though, even with all the luck in the world, some crash hard by January 2.
They seem to be a setup for failure. One example might be a heavy drinker who vows to plug the jug for the new year. Then comes December 31. Knowing that he’s made a pledge to quit, he squeezes in one final annihilation that on New Year’s Eve, his head ready to explode the next morning.
Ya got’s to be ready whether it January 1st or Arbor Day.
My alternative is a list of things I just hope never happen to me again, or something stupid I did that would best not be repeated. I have selected some examples to illustrate my point.
One humiliating experience I’d like not to relive is doing a giveaway during half-time at a Heat game. A few years back, my radio station ran a contest, the grand prize being a beautiful home entertainment system.
I was the lucky MC for this and could have used some sound advice before accepting the assignment.
I endured a lousy 1st half and at midpoint the lukewarm Heat were losing to the Cleveland Cavaliers. Everything was in place and I stood awaiting my introduction by the PA guy.
“Please welcome Greg Budell from ….” was my cue to initiate the festivities. Before the PA guy finished, the arena erupted in a chorus of boos that crashed down from the stands like Niagara Falls. I could feel my neck turn hot.
Did they make a mistake and announce my name as Adolph Hitler? The noise worsened as my two partners joined the on-court fun. Then, in typical South Florida hostilpality, the crowd really cut loose when the winner- a very nice lady- came out to receive her gift and pose for pictures. We all shared a mutual moment of trying real hard to not take it personally. As we walked off into a police escort I glanced up at the crowd which had more birds showing than Metrozoo.
Next on the list of things I NEVER WANT TO ENDURE AGAIN-an IRS AUDIT!
I was married to my lunatic 2nd wife when this joy arrived in the mail. A neighboring accountant grimly examined the invitation, then laid out what was in front of me.
Basically, an IRS audit is about the most invasive procedure you’ll ever experience. You must account for the whereabouts of every dime earned the previous tax year, and prove them with receipts for everything from gumballs to Gucci shoes.
It took several weeks of forgery to get the job done. Lunatic-Ex
Took about as long even though her gross income amounted to roughly 1,000 dollars. Neighboring Accountant went to battle.
Two weeks later he went to our hearing, returning with the news that he described as “not too bad”- we owed a mere $1300.
$1300 was not a “mere” amount of money in my personal economy of the time. So, I had to pay the debt since Lunatic-Ex was willing to work, and even worserer- I later learned that Neighboring Account and Lunatic-Ex were doing a number behind my back!
If you’re lucky, you’ll never be asked to wear a mascot costume. I’ve played Santa and those fake beards wind up us dental floss after an hour or two. But way back in 1979, I was just starting out in radio when the entire staff was required to report to a “Goin’ Baananas” promotion at the Broward Mall. I mean we’re going back to a time when most of University Drive was one lane in each direction.
Part of the fun was wearing our big, furry costume which was alleged to look like a kangaroo, our station mascot. Our mission was to hand out free bananas to shoppers. The costume actually resembled some odd species of dog and I was embarrassed. Inside the outfit, a separate ecology existed and it was not a sensory pleasure. It stunk! As I pulled it off, I vowed, “never again”!
So far, I have been lucky.
Other calamities I could do without, in no particular order:
BUYING GOLD- About 10 years ago, I was conned into buying 5K worth of gold certificates. About a year later my check for $54 arrived in the mail. That wasn’t the dividend- it was all that remained from the initial investment.
BUY A CHEVY VEGA- This one goes back a long way, but I’ll never forget the feelings of doom that come with complete engine failure outside Pahokee, Michigan on a cold January night.
ANSWER A QUESTION WITHOUT BEING CERTAIN THE ANSWER IS THE RIGHT ONE- Going back even further to high school biology, our teacher, Mr. Kelly, asked if anyone could identify the most common solvent. I confidently shot my arm up and said “Fantastik”. I thought he would wet his pants laughing. Yes, the answer was WATER, of course. Oh, what a fool I have been.
If there is anything of a resolutionary nature on my 2005 agenda, it’s a solemn promise to Mindi that I will submit each and every column before deadline, with room to spare. I just don’t even want to contemplate what non-compliance would mean in that situation.
In any event, have a Fantastik year
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