Long ago  and far away, in a land that time forgot,

Before the days  of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.

There lived a race of  innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was  in the White House in that land where we were born,

Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place   was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,

We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.

We longed for love and  romance, and waited for our Prince,

And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

We  danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'

And  cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me , Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,

And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean  McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we  expect to see

A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me , Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,

And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,

Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me , Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of  gold, and Chester had a limp,

And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a  chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T  ,

And Oprah couldn't talk, yet, in the Land That Made Me , Me.

We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,

At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn  Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,

And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me , Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,

And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in  gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,

Madonna was a virgin in the Land That Made Me , Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,

And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and  'gay' meant fancy-free,

And dorms were never coed in the  Land That Made Me , Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to  talk about the lag,

And microchips were what was left at  the bottom of the bag.

And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,

And rocket ships were  fiction in the Land That Made Me , Me.

Buicks came  with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,

And  bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts  below the knee,

And Castro came to power near the Land That  Made Me , Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had  no Hill Street Blues,

We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea

Or prime-time ads  for condoms in the Land That Made Me , Me.

There  were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,

And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,

And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me , Me.

But all things have a season, or so  we've heard them say,

And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.

They send us invitations to  join AARP,

We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That  Made Me , Me.

So now we face a brave new world in  slightly larger jeans,

And wonder why they're using smaller print in all the magazines.

And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,

Long, long ago.... in the Land That Made Me , Me.